帮我找问题-看过哈5的,英语好的进帮我找一些语法问题吧?:(Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is the fifth movie of the Harry Potter film series. This is a (very) short summary of what happened before:Harry Potter, the titl

帮我找问题-看过哈5的,英语好的进
帮我找一些语法问题吧?:
(Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is the fifth movie of the Harry Potter film series. This is a (very) short summary of what happened before:
Harry Potter, the title character, is a wizard. His parents were killed by a Dark Wizard: Voldemort. Then Voldemort tried to kill the youth Harry, but failed and disappeared. But during the final challenge of the Triwizard Tournament, he came back. But only Harry Potter saw this and told it to Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts, a school for wizards. Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic, didn’t believe Dumbledore when he tried to explain what happened…)
The summary:
First, Harry Potter got attacked by dementors in the summer vacation. He used a Patronus charm to protect himself, but he was not allowed to use magic! The Ministry of Magic charges Harry with performing magic without permission, but he didn’t got a punishment.
Then Harry Potter enters his fifth year at Hogwarts. Dolores Jane Umbridge became the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher but she wasn’t a very good teacher. Therefore Harry begins to teach some students Defense Against the Dark Arts. He named this group the Dumbledore’s Army. Meanwhile, Dolores Umbridge tried to take over the school and she succeed: she became Headmistress.
Harry received a vision that Serius, his gotfather, was being tortured at the Department of Mysteries. He went with his friends to the Ministry of Magic to save him. But it was a trap: Voldemort and a few Death Eaters (people who work for Voldermort) ambushed the students. Dumbledore and some members of the Order of the Phoenix ( came and fought with Voldermort. Dumbledore beat Voldemort, but Serius died. Voldemort escaped. Fudge arrieved, just before Voldemort disappeared. He knew he was wrong, and vindicated Dumbledore and Harry.

1.第二段连续3个but出现,不够好.
2.第二段,believe换成trust.
3.a school of wizards其实可以省略.改为the school headmaster of xxxxxx.
4.harry不是不能使用magic,你要说清楚not allowed to use magic out of school.
5.整体summary写的太累赘.不够精炼.都不能算是short summary.
6.可以选择性的写故事内容而不是复述发生的一切.